Wednesday, March 24, 2010

existential crisis

I had to go home unexpectedly, and now I am at the Heathrow airport during my 8 hour lay over on the way back to Ghana. I am sitting here, mindlessly staring into the abyss of people rushing off with take - away sandwiches and rolling suitcases. I can’t help but think about myself, and the sheer emotionless state that I am currently in. I have been in this airport 6 times, sampling way too many expensive perfumes, roaming the luxurious shops, unable to afford even a key chain, and downing way too much coffee. On the flight into London, my flight was full with 2 group trips – one of high school students going to Italy for March break, and a senior citizens trip heading to Turkey…interesting dynamics. I was unfortunately surrounded by all the eager students, making it quite clear to myself that I have become a cynical, nonchalant traveler. How did this happen to me? I remember when I was 16 and was in this airport for the first time with a group of 30 students on the way to Kenya. Just as the students on my flight this morning, we too were overjoyed with the free socks, eye mask and personal TVs. Stocked with the latest ‘SEVENTEEN’ magazine and enough gum to last 7 months, we were ready, just as these students were for an amazing 30 day trip.

Now here I am, just spent the past 6 months in Ghana, 4 days in Tanzania, 9 days back home in Toronto and now back here in London, waiting for my flight back to my home in Ghana. Yes, I am looking forward to getting back to my life and friends in Ghana, but what happened to the excitement? Im not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing.

Being home this past week, and being in London right now makes me think about my place in all of this. On the one hand, I feel as if I totally fit in, and its nice to be surrounded by things that are normal to me. Yet on the other hand, I feel totally out of place. Yes, the specialty coffee shops, Gucci and Tiffany’s stores, TVs and overflow of white people with novels and laptops in hand is something that is so familiar to me. But then again, I am living my life without any of this. I go in search of good brewed coffee, which is only available at fancy hotels, my friend once found a Gucci skirt at the second hand market for 50 cents, I don’t have a TV, and I am a minority. How is it that I can fit into these two completely separate lives? Or do I even ‘fit it’? Sorry for my public existential crisis, but I no longer write in my journal, so this is it. I need to vent somewhere.

I truly cherish my time in Ghana. I am so happy that I decided to come back, as my experience is totally different than that last time around. My work is very rewarding and is pretty much exactly what I was looking for. The people I have met are so wonderful and it will be a real challenge to not have them in my life once i return home. But living in a place where i am a minority and where my color comes with a whole skew of expectations, its hard to not question my role in it all.

I have now moved to the departure gate, and I must now switch my gears. I have just spent the past 9 days at my parents Thorhill home, and now I am on my way back to my other home at Okponglo junction in Accra.

Untill next time!